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Good Evening Bloggers,

I have been a tad distant lately, I would like to share a story I wrote a few years ago.
Let me know what you think.
For those who know me please dont judge.
Because like DR Seuss says "Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who matter won't mind & those who mind don't matter" (My life motto by the way!)

So here it is:
As I lay in my room all these thoughts are running through my head. I get a painful headache from stressing about the day ahead. What am I going to do? Ah I'm so nervous I've resorted to biting my nails to release the tension. It barely helps. My hands are shaking, and sweating. I know Mums going to be mad, so will my sister. They only worry cause they love me but I'm pretty sure I'm fine. Then again, if I was fine I wouldn't be here stressing about whether they are going to send me away. I pull out my food diary which has been following me around like my shadow the last few months. As i flick through the messy half filled pages I feel a cool breeze flow past me. Where is it coming from? In a way it feels like a ghost. As I turn around to see if the door is shut I see a young blonde girl who looks a lot like myself a few months ago.

She has straight blonde hair, and a lovely smile. By the look on her face she seems happy, but when i look in her eyes thats when i see the crumbled girl. What I see is a cheerful, vibrant girl. What she sees is a girl with big hips, a fat tummy and big thighs. I see her standing in front of the mirror in my room, looking herself up and down, pinching the parts she hates, imagining them differently. Sadly I know exactly what she is going through. She daren't tell anyone what she thinks as the people who don't understand think its attention seeking, and those who care tell her to snap out of it. Its not that easy. How can they not see the sadness in her greeny blue eyes? The lack in self confidence as she mopes around in her baggy uniform, and piles on her make up.

I can see her in my bathroom now. Taking one last look at herself before heading to school. Dreaming of the perfect body, imagining the day she won't have to wear make up to boost her confidence. She snaps out of her daily day dream and back into reality where she heads to the kitchen to have some breakfast. While making herself some tea she catches a glimpse of herself in the window and tips her tea down the sink. Feeling guilty for earlier she heads off to school, where she struggles to keep awake. She has no energy and can't focus. I wish I could help her so she doesn't end up like me. If someone doesn't help her and fast she is going to fall.

Suddenly she's gone, I'm all alone again. I'm sitting wondering why she appeared out of no where. Was this a sign? I'm really confused and I'm not to sure what to think about it. Surely i was just dreaming, or was I?...

An hour later I'm at the doctors, I can smell the latex gloves as soon as we arrive. I scrunch my nose at the sight of them. After what seems like an eternity waiting, I hear my name. As I stand to meet my fate i catch a glimpse of myself in a window, I'm so thin and fragile, my thighs don't touch and I have no curves. While obsessing about my image I slowly walk toward the small cramped room with bare walls and the odd poster about disease and sickness. I hate the doctors, always have, always will. My mum and doctor sit and chat while I awkwardly glance around the room thinking back to the girl in my room this morning. I start to talk to her. Asking her how she made it, how she put up with the monthly check-ups at the doctors. I'm so interested in what she has to say that I don't hear mum asking me for my food diary. As i pull it out of my back pocket i notice the doctor stare me up and down. In my head I'm thinking, what right does she, or anyone have to judge me? It's my body! I'll do to it what i want. I'm now in a bad mood, just the look in her face as she stares at me makes me wanna scream. I snap out of it and look at her while she reads my food diary. As i look deep in her eyes i see that she is disappointed in me. I have failed her again. Deep inside i know i should feel bad but i really couldn't care less. After what feels like an eternity of waiting
she finally looks up, stands and walks over to the corner of the room. I feel that cool breeze flow past me again, just as I'm about to start talking to the girl again I hear a familiar noise, one I hate! As I place one foot on the icy surface of the scales I nervously watch the numbers flicker. They slow down and stop. I can't breathe, Mum freezes, my sister looks away, and the nurse senses the tension and breaks the ice by asking me to step of the scales. Everyone is shocked. To be honest, I just wanna run away!

Once we pull up at home after an awkward drive in silence, I'm exhausted and and go upstairs to have a rest, only to find the girl back again. This time she looks like she is about to help with tea. I see her watching closely as her parents put food on her plate. She very quickly grabs the smallest plate with the smallest amount of food and sits. While everyone else digs in, she sits there poking at the food sitting lifelessly there in front of her. She leaves the table after only a few mouthfuls of food and starts cleaning the kitchen. Once she finishes that she lays down on the couch, watching T.V, feeling lifeless from her hectic day. After a few minutes of watching some boring reality show she heads off to get ready for bed, where she takes one last look at herself while dreaming of the perfect body. She climbs into bed and immediately falls asleep. I see her looking so fragile and quiet. Then just as quick as she came she was gone. I was left sitting in my room, confused and upset. There were two things I knew for certain one I wasn't going to be going back to school anytime soon, and two this is going to take a while to get over. Just as I was about to have a nap thats when I spotted it, the brochure on top of my suitcase in the corner!

By Ashleen Connell